First, there's the privacy stuff that I feel like every 8 and half minutes gets more and more nonexistent. Then there's the "friends" and "unfriending" nonsense. Like, if you "unfriend" someone, people get all upset, like it means something. It doesn't! It's Facebook, you guys. There are bigger problems, like that new Quiznos commercials with the cats wearing colonial costumes or whatever. And THEN, there are all these people on Facebook who, for whatever reason, HAVE to be my friend, and even though I don't care about them and they don't care about me, we keep being "friends." What does it mean? It means nothing to me, that's what. I mean, it's Facebook, you know? Not this political thing or whatever. Final straw, though was this: I get on Facebook this morning to see if anybody has commented on or "liked" my status, and has thereby validated my existence. What does Facebook do? Makes a gallant attempt, first thing this morning, to totally and completely ruin my day. And that, really, is the most evil part of Facebook. Its entire existence is to sabotage the rest of my life. Facebook does not want you to be happy, you guys! Think about it.
People post statuses. And unless you screen your friends to make sure their IQs are of adequate number and that they understand some basic, yet important, grammar and punctuation rules, at least some of your friends post statuses that are, let's say, not so smart? You know? They say "there" for "their" or something. Or they're just pretentious little jerks who you want to smack a baby every time they post something? So your options are: put up with it and cry yourself to sleep every day that yet another person doesn't close parentheses or doesn't put the period inside the quotation marks; or, "hide" that person, which is really just the cheap, passive aggressive way of "unfriending" someone without having the balls to actually pull the plug on them. And, like, seriously, you guys, man up. So, Facebook makes you hate humanity and encourages passive-aggressive behavior, and you guys shouldn't be passive aggressive.
Facebook also ruins lives by reminding you of things you hate. Like suggesting you be friends with that awful girl in high school who called you fat. It's all like, "Hey, do you know so-and-so?" And it's like, "Yeah, Facebook, I do, and you know what, I am not friends with her for a REASON. And now I am going to spend all day thinking about how she called me fat and hating myself. Thanks for nothing." Obviously, Facebook gives you PTSD, and, if you're like me, an eating disorder, because you will stop eating until you can't stand it anymore and then eat an entire gallon of cherry vanilla ice cream in one sitting as soon as you're alone.
The third, and really important, way Facebook ruins everything ever is that it tricks you into wasting hours of time reading the statuses of people you don't care about and then stalking friends of friends, who used to be your actual friends in real life, but then some minor disagreement happens and now you no longer talk and you have to go back through every single one of that back-stabbing asshole's statuses, laughing and making vicious and ruthless fun of him until you have completely justified the fact that you no longer talk to that person over what was a conversation about sushi when you said, "Yellowtail is the best sashimi" and he was like, "No way, salmon is" and now OMG he's using the English-to-French translator to post his statuses so everyone thinks he speaks French WHAT A DOUCHE LOLOLOLOL!!!! And poof, there just went 3 hours. Facebook: the biggest time suck of our generation.
So, Facebook and I broke up. And now I have this thing. I'm not totally sure what to do with it. I do know that the 250 character limit on Facebook doesn't always work for me. Obviously, I am way more longwinded than Facebook seems to think. But I have high hopes for our new relationship. I think I'll probably write more, about really important things, probably, like law school, and clothes, and cute things Mulder does. Really important things. I might as well have called this a manifesto, really, with the genius things I'll be churning out. You guys better be ready.
But right now, I'm gonna eat an ice cream sandwich and try to forget about how that bitch Audrey told me my legs were fat.
