A funny thing happened a couple weeks ago. The Arizona State Bar posted a PDF to their website. It had the names of people who passed the Exam I, along with 75% of my friends, took in July. My name was on the list. This made me happy. Really happy. I was so happy I cried. I was also really happy because my boiyfriend's name was also on the list. We were a very happy little couple of attorneys.
But then, once we had calmed down, we looked at the list again. There were a couple names I didn't see. I tried using the search function to look for them, wondering if maybe they had a different last name I didn't know about, possibly because they were fugitives, or in witness protection. I still didn't find them. At first, I was surprised, and then I was sad. I was really, really sad. It made it difficult to be happy, because every time I would think "yay! I passed!" I would think "but..."
I didn't really know how to handle this. I decided not to say anything to anyone until they contacted me. But even when I got a text message, I didn't really know what to do. I had studied with these people, conferred with them, eaten very late dinners with them in a study room that was starting to smell. We had complained about BarBri together (the website went down about a week before the exam and I think we all nearly had heart attacks). We had all practically lived together for a couple of months, in a very tiny room, and I just assumed that if one of us had passed, it meant we all did, because we were all so close and had done the same work. When it turned out that wasn't the case, I kind of felt like it was my fault. Had I asked too many questions and distracted them? Had at some point I said something incorrect and they used it on the test? Had I chewed my food too loudly when I snacked?
No. We all put in as much work as we could, we did the best we could with what we had on a very particular couple of days. The truth is, it isn't my fault someone else didn't pass. I blamed myself because it helped me accept what happened. I couldn't believe that they would fail, so when they did, my brain had to create reasons. I knew they had studied as hard as I did and I knew they cared as much as I did, and I knew they deserved to pass, but it didn't make sense that they didn't pass like I did, and because I don't know what was going on their brain or in their off time, but also because I always assume other people are doing more, working harder, or are smarter than I am, my instinct was to think that I was the one who someone made them fail. I felt guilty because someone else didn't pass.
But the truth is that it isn't my fault. The truth is that we all have days when we are on and days when we are not. But every day we try our hardest. On July 26 and 27, their hardest wasn't their usual hardest, probably by only a little bit. And the important thing is that I REALLY hope they know that those two days do not define them. I hope they are able to see this as a set-back, another challenge. I really believe God does not give us any more than we can handle, so if they have to do this test again, it must be because they can handle it.
I have great plans for January. I'm going to bake treats, make dinners that they can eat as leftovers for lunch, and write supportive notes. Not because it's my fault they didn't pass, but because they're my friends and I want them to know they'll always be my friends and I will support them even more than I did the first time around.
