Checking In

Oh, this thing! I didn't mean to disappear, I promise. I just couldn't think of anything to say. It's been pretty busy at Chez la P.I. For one thing, I'm settling in at my internship and LOVING it. Not even be sarcastic. I love what I am doing, and I hope I get to keep doing it. Classes have started, too, and I only have two classes on T/Th, both of which are pass/fail, which means... no finals! No participation, no studying, no briefing. It's awesome. You would think that would keep my schedule pretty open, but you would be wrong. I work all day Mondays and Wednesdays. I got up at 6, got home at 6 12 hours later, and wanted to crash, but instead I want to Boyfriend's parents' house, got In-N-Out, and then just about fell asleep on the couch. This weekend, like I described to a friend earlier, seemed to disappear before my eyes. It was like, I woke up Friday, wrote my weekend to-do list, and then closed my eyes and it was Sunday night. I don't even know what happened. Then, Boyfriend is coming down with something making him miserable. I'm tired, he's sniffly. We're not the super attractive couple we usually are.

And how about everyone's New Year's resolutions? Still going to the gym? Washing the dishes every night? I can't decide if I've been good or not. I said I was going to be nicer to everyone, and Boyfriend actually mentioned that he thinks I'm nicer than I think I am to other people. This was provoked by an incident at Anthro in the fitting room. I grabbed two items out of the sale room and combined them to try then on, and when I walked out of my room to check myself in the three-way mirror, two SAs and a fellow customer exclaimed over how cute it looked. Before I left, the customer asked my advice on a cardigan to go with a dress she was considering. I pointed out something I had seen, and she went off to check it out. One of the SAs complimented my style and told me I should apply for a job there. I told her I might take that up with her after the bar exam! It's weird, but that just made my day. It was an exchange with people I don't know and did not result in trauma that frightens me back to my apartment.

It made me realize that it isn't so much that I am NOT nice - it's that I don't try to be nice. And that isn't because I am mean - it's because I feel like I could say something to someone, and it could turn out well, like in the incident at Anthro, or it could result in some stranger thinking I am weird and who is this strange curly-haired girl talking to her and then I would feel awkward, and I am positive the latter is the more likely result. Boyfriend says I need to give myself more credit. Which is what I am working on. So, obviously, I'm struggling with my first and second resolution (Realize that if people don't think I am amazing and smart and awesome, it's okay) and my third (Be more open to failing). The third is probably something that will take an Eat, Pray, Love-style journey, because I just don't see that happening. I'm failing at being okay with failing, and AUGH!! I don't like this resolution. I might redact it.

What else. Oh, number four, "Reduce." Haha. Opposite. I went a bit spending crazy, but I put a quash on that. I'm on a no clothes-shopping fast for a month, starting yesterday, except for one thing: a blue short-sleeved or sleeveless top. I know exactly what I am looking for, and the only thing I can buy is THAT top. BUT! I do have a pile of clothes that I am donating, so there's that!

Finally, cooking. I have been! Last week I made a bean salad that is STILL in my fridge. It was so much food, and I've slowly been working on it. Boyfriend and I also made lemon-y tortellini last week. There's very little chance of me cooking on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays and Thursdays are more manageable. Hopefully I can keep this up. The next thing I am making (maybe Thursday) is chicken and dumplings, which I have never made before, and which Boyfriend has never had before, so it should be something to write about.

Other than that (right!) not much else is going on. I don't feel like I usually do at the start of the semester, which is like everything is already getting ahead of me and I'm struggling to keep up. Instead, I just feel busy, but not with school. Just with getting dressed and being where I need to be. Anyone else ever get that feeling?

Happy New Year, Finally!

Oh, hi! So does anyone else feel like the holiday season was a hurricane, requiring mad rushes to crowded grocery stores for staples (eggs, sugar, and rum, obvs), stocking up on supplies (gift tags and clothing gift boxes), battening down the hatches (we put a small pet fence around our tree to protect it from the hooligans who run our house), and then three days of recovery and clean up? Was that just me? Did I lose you with that terrible analogy? Sorry, I’m still pulling myself together after the madness.

In light of how crazy my life became and the record-number of cry-fests I hit, I took some time (last night, when I couldn’t sleep for anything in the world) to evaluate the previous year. It had its ups and downs, but unfortunately, the fall semester grades tend to come out right at the end of the year, so in general, I’m in a pretty bad mood around resolution time that makes me a bit more cynical and… grumpy, I guess, about the previous year. Ok, it’s not that I get bad grades. I just have to say that. It’s just that no matter what grades I get, there is bound to be one that upsets me, because it wasn’t what I expected. This semester had a few of those. And it’s not that I’m disappointed in the grade, necessarily, but I’m disappointed in myself.

And that kind of leads in to my resolutions.

1.      Be nicer to everyone, but especially myself. I am a very critical person, and the person who bears the brunt of that is always me. One piece of bad news, and I start blaming myself, picking on little ways that bad news is my fault. It’s a hard way to live, and it results in too many wrinkles, break outs, and uncontrollable sobbing that terrifies both the dog and the Boyfriend. It also means that I have to make choices that benefit myself, and not always someone else: work out even when I am busy, eat better, have some alone time, etc. A lot of mini resolutions, really. But they all come down to “be nice to myself.” I have already begun implementing this: it's why I went ahead and took a week to write a new year's post. Because I needed to sleep, you guys.

2.      Realize that if people don’t think I am amazing and smart and awesome, it’s ok. I don’t know how this is going to work out, because just writing that made me want to puke. We’ll see.

3.      Be more open to failing. That means not putting so much pressure on myself to be “perfect” all the time. This ties in with number 2, but has more to do with my perception of myself than how other perceive me, or how I perceive other perceive me. I always avoid any situations where I lack confidence because I am terrified of not rising to my standards, and that means that when I have to be in those situations, I am a basket case. It’s not fun for anybody, because “basket case” for me usually means not talking to anyone and living in constant fear that I am about to do something really stupid in the next two minutes in front of everyone. I need to believe that even if people think I said something dumb, and even if I fall on my face, my life will go on. (Yikes, this resolution is scary, too.)

4.      Reduce. Ahhhhh. I can handle this. Buy less, purge more. This is going to be a tight year, with graduating, bar studying, and then job searching, and I need to be cognizant of that. That means no more “oh, that’s cute, and like 75% off! Add to shopping cart!” Anything I buy I have to lovelovelove, and needneedneed. I’m going to make a shopping list of things I am allowed to buy (I need another pair of dress pants for ‘work,’ for example), and then I am going to stick to that list. I’m also going to try this “thrifting” thing. It sounds fun, and much more budget friendly.

5.      Cook more. I tend to let the stress and mountains of things to do get to me and scare me away from taking the time to put something together, and the next thing I know I’m in the In-N-Out drive thru. I looked in my fridge last night and realized there I absolutely nothing in there for cooking from scratch, unless it’s scratch grilled cheese sandwiches. Unacceptable. I am the proud owner of an immersion blender for crying out loud. This year I will get it together and cook dinner at home.

Whew! That seemed unmanageable on Monday. Resolutions are not something to be dealt with in the beginning of the week. They’re more of a Thursday kind of thing, right? The beginning of the week requires more easily tackled projects, like baseboard cleaning and vacuuming the stairs and organizing the closet. Ok, that might just be me, too.

What are your resolutions this year?