Saying Goodbye

On Sunday, my school lost a beloved student. He was brilliant, funny, dry, and always had a smile for everyone. Tonight I went to his memorial service held by the students, and I was reminded that to so many of us, he was more than a colleague and classmate - he was a friend. He genuinely cared about each of us.

I entered school in a relationship. That relationship no longer exists. It ended during a very stressful and tumultuous time in my life - the end of my 1L year. I felt deeply betrayed by how selfish and inconsiderate this other person was being. After it ended, he sent me angry, vicious, and harassing emails, even when I insisted he stop contacting me and that he leave me alone. My parents and more than a few of my friends were concerned with my safety. One day, he was sending me email after email, ranging from remorseful to cruel and insulting. The English fails to provide me a word to describe how I felt, but it was a mixture of resentful, angry, and frightened. I was on Facebook, and I started receiving instant messages from this friend from school. For some reason, I told him what was going on. His response was to tell me that this person's behavior was unacceptable, and although I did not know my friend very well, he volunteered to protect me and even get together a few of his largest friends and go inform my ex that this behavior would stop, or he would suffer consequences. I believe a lot of people say things like that, but somehow I knew that if I asked, he would indeed gather his largest friends and they would go put an end to the emails and phone calls.

I don't think I had any classes after that year with him, but I continued to see him around school, and every time I did, he met me with a smile, a wave, friendly comments, stories about his family, and genuine pleasantness, Every time I saw him, I felt like he was really pleased to have run into me, and I left every encounter in a better mood.

At the memorial service tonight, I heard a number of people talk about their relationship with him, and every person said they same thing - he was your friend, no matter how well you knew him. When I say he was beloved, I mean that every single person in our school who met him not only liked him, but admired him, respected him, and I hope they appreciated him. I hope that every person realizes that every day that had him in it was consequently a better day.

In law school, we live in an atmosphere that not only harbors a competitive atmosphere, but fosters it. We're supposed to believe that the people we see every day, the people we support, the people who support us, the people who have nervous breakdowns over finals and the people who witness our nervous breakdowns, the people we graduate with and who become our friends, are actually our competition. We compete for grades, rank, and jobs. We're supposed to be envious of the people who get the A's and always say the right thing in class. You always hear the stories of people who back stab you, spread rumors about you to hurt you, connive to knock you down, and it's true that those things happen. But that thought process didn't seem to apply to him. Even if you knew he was going to get the A, you had to be happy and you couldn't hold it against him, because he really, really, really deserved it. Not only did he earn it, but you wanted him to have the A, because he was all around a good person and you wanted him to succeed.  And you know that if you got the A, he would be just as happy for you.

I thought I could accept his death. I thought that I was an adult, I've been to funerals, I know that life ends, and when it ends, that person is no longer here, and our job is to contemplate the shortness of life, be grateful for the people in it and the time we have, mourn the loss of a person, and then move on. I believed I understood this process. But tonight I saw how one person touched so many people, and I saw how this loss made so many people ache and hurt. I realized that I don't understand.

Tonight I learned that people make choices that don't make sense. Tonight I learned that you can never really know what someone is going through. Tonight I learned that for as much as I think I finally know what's going on, I will never have all the answers. There is so much that I don't know.

Tonight I learned how much kindness and sincerity can touch so many people, even if it's only for moments at a time.

I don't understand why he isn't here anymore, but I hope that he knows that he will always be part of the PSL Class of 2011 Family.